The Pursuit of Light

There’s something quite enchanting about darkness,

The mystical facets of childhood fairytales seem to tie endless lengths of string around breathless moments and pull them into a continuum of wondrous nostalgia. Those moments will never be the same—frozen, pulsing with resonant light. Perhaps it’s the lack of words which desperately yearn to escape from the confines of the speaker’s lips or the boundless concept of life pouring into the lower part of the hour glass, like the ever-evolving sands of time that causes a moment to stay perfectly imperfect. Maybe it isn’t.

Either way, as soon as something is spoken it dissipates into the air around it; it taints the energy it lives in.

When a moment is lived, it no longer exists and all that remains is the dance of vague moving images to inaudible, non existant music.

 

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Autumn Leaves

She sits upon the turbulent winds of time,

waiting to be carried to the astronomical heights of dead balls of gas.

In the meantime, her crumbling flesh must remain a ragdoll to the ever-changing storm.

Tranquil. Open and free from the ancient, decaying branches of the tree.

Silver Screen

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Silver Screen.”

“Time flies.” That’s what all the people  say.

It matters not where you plan on going or where you think you’ll stay,

it matters not where you were last week or where you’ll be next year,

it matters not where your demons hide or where you’ve shed your tears.

It matters not where you’ve planted your dreams or where you think you are.

All that matters are the hands you hold as you gaze up at the stars.

So as time recedes before your eyes like the ocean swallowing the shore,

take the time to gaze at thoughtless clouds, wending across the sky and just breathe…

The Coathanger

I am a coat hanger.
I have fingers which have graced cheeks, laced with tears;
feet which carry me through orgastic stillness and oppressive noise,
nerves which pulse and glow with life,
I have eyes which hold a thousand galaxies and wayward shoulders.
I am the universe in ecstatic motion.
But for now, I am a coat hanger.

Tales of Truth and Trying Times

It felt  like nothing I’d ever felt before. It was like the lights were on but nobody occupied the space between my eyes. I’t the only thing that ever felt real. A moment of white hot light; it wasn’t even coherent; the most beautiful, profound things never are. I can’t even say it was images. I was just a happening. It buldozed my consciousness; I’d caught the acting bug.  I remember feeling as though I had an umbilical cord which was being tugged by small fairy-like creature; feathers tickled my heard. I felt human. My years of numbness had been broken by late nights, bright lights and the breath of 7 billion other human beings; those years of mindless torture and watery eyes had been shattered like glass, in the presence of an operatic, soprano’s song. I’m not sure what happened but it ignited a love within me which has kept me sane throughout years of belly-crucnching anxiety and clinical numbness. In those moments of darkness and fear, it became the only thing I could feel. It became my reason for being alive.

As I sat upon a deserted island—alone and afraid—desperately releasing flares in the night sky, I came to the conclusion  that one cannot force a rescue ship to arrive so one must embrace the unknown silence of the dark night.

There will be blue skys. That’s what I told myself. In moments of blind panic I’d let myself know that you can only ever appreciate the moment that you’re living. In truthful and trying times, I’d stop, breath and feel gratitude. Hold on to that thing that puts fire in your eyes and makes your insides churn with excitement; follow the thing that makes tears of love stream down your face.

‘Tis the way of the universe to love and love; it’s the eb and flow of palpable, living energy. That’s life. So When you feel purposeless and riddled with negative energy, that sinks deep into your gut, smile and gaze up at the sky. Know that I am a human being and I have felt exactly as you do in the moment that you’re living; there’s always another person who’s feeling exactly as you do in the moment you’re experiencing it. You are not alone.

If all the world were monochrome and I had to choose a colour to paint across the globe, I’d choose the ever-changing hue of the vast sky so I could watch ancient clouds wend through the atmosphere—endlessly and aimlessly. There is something about the omnipresence of the sky as it gazes upon the worm’s meat of humanity—as it gazes upon it’s orgasms and it’s suffering—which gives the impression that it knows of the human existence but wisely chooses to ignore our perpetual state of anxiety and need for control; it’s almost as through it sits above us and smiles—just like the Tibetan Buddhist monk who looks upon their pupil with knowledgeable eyes and old laughter and says “the purpose of our lives is to be happy.” As the man, drowning in paper and expensive fabric, mindlessly trudges alongside the artistic dreamer—who has a heart full of paint and a paintbrush for a brain. There’s something quite magical about the dust of time’s remains and how it seems to scatter itself across the sky—sprinkling humanity with it’s past mistakes and heartache. A universe of mystery lies beyond the marlin blue blanket. So, as the man and his conquests continue to tread the concrete floor, the sky will wink and smile, in all it’s glory.

If I Were A Zodiac Sign…

The Canarian

You’re a canary.” He murmured.

If you’re like me then you’re a canarian. To the outside world you’ll appear to be small, full of stored energy and rather soft. You may even be perceived as clueless to some, but you keep your thought process so well hidden because it’s in your nature to not feel a need to release everything into the air; you sing with your soul but no one comprehends what that song means—they simply continue with their lives. Only someone who has experienced a very personal and emotionally intimate encounter with you with fully appreciate your song; only those who sit and listen to the canary truly appreciate them and don’t just consider them as noise. You’re confidently reserved and often feel caged by the world around you but you know that Human beings live in their own minds and you can exist anywhere, as anything, in the space of your own mind; as long as you’re mentally free and you can sing with your soul, you are happy to continue bouncing over obstacles.

Highest Expression

You’re at your strongest when you have quietened your mind and feel connected to something infinitely bigger than yourself. You’re strongest expression happens when you’re quietly immersed in your passion for life and only those who pay attention, closely, get to listen to it; one has to listen carefully for your song but once it’s heard, it’s incredibly distinct and hard to ignore.

Lowest Expression

You’re at your weakest when the confines of life and the people around you have thrown so much your way that you mentally block everything and everyone out in order to try and quietened your mind. Instead, you usually end up bottling tons of anxiety and refuse to release it onto anyone. You feel as though everyone had turned away from you when in reality, you haven’t invested the time and energy into them or given them enough to help you.

Temperament

You are generally incredibly calm and don’t bat an eyelid to conflict; you are eerily calm—calm to the point of anxiety because you build high walls and only show people a bright, intense glimpse of your soul. When you do actually become angry, the room becomes silent because everyone around you knows that anger isn’t in your nature. God save those who manage to anger you: you do not lash out, immediately, at those who hurt you; you walk away without warning—after verbally lashing out to yourself or crying your heart out (and potentially bottling everything up and releasing slowly, for months)—and don’t hand out second chances; once someone has broken your trust, they’re passed the point of no return. You try not to upset people—even if they have hurt you deeply—so you bottle things, release it in a violent flurry of emotion (usually on your own if you can help it) and you gradually break away, in order to avoid confrontation.

Keywords Which Relate To Canarians

Gentle, soft, strong-minded, kind, honest, calm, passionate, nervous, volatile, intimate, reserved, cheerful, dream-prone, stubborn, protective.

Ruling planet

The sun is your ruling ‘planet’ (even though it isn’t actually a planet. This is because of it’s golden fire and it’s often ignored importance when it comes to brightening the area it shines upon. Despite the canarian’s nervous tendencies, they have a heart of gold and will continue to sing, no matter the difficulties. They may appear bright and comfortable on the outside but on the inside burns a desire to achieve all dreams in life and to never let anyone obstruct them from what they are aiming to achieve.

Element

Your element is air because of it’s freshness and the way it often goes unnoticed. Just like air, you fill the space around you; you’re mutable and adaptable to change while still maintaining your integral principles.

Likes

You like anything which feels real and has integrity; you feel connected to anything or anyone who is present in their spiritual surroundings, just as you are and you love small moments of intimacy. You know what’s important to you and are incredibly defensive with loved ones. You hate feeling trapped and love secure change in the things you are passionate about.

Dislikes

You strongly dislike false friends and anything which doesn’t relate to you’re strong sense of integrity. It is a pet hate of yours when people try to lie or hide themselves from you; you wish for them to be completely exposed, emotionally, to you and allow you to respond and feel the way you wish; you want people not to be alarmed by your volatile and unpredictable mood changes because that’s part of who you are. You wish people would stop assuming the worst of you and accept that you love and accept them as they are.

Compatability

You are strongly compatible with the emotional sensitivity and affection of a Cancer and the way Pisces’ remain in their own spiritual realm; the strength and laid back nature of a Taurus keeps you excitably calm but keep away from the strong-headed, stubborn nature of the Aries as you’re both dominant personas when needs be.

Positive Traits
You’re incredibly persistent and will stop at nothing to get what you want. Your ‘get on with it and be happy’ attitude is contagious and you strike people as transparent and honest, as soon as they’re in your presence—even if you are reserved and secretive. You’re a great listener and have a way of connecting with and understanding people as soon as you have a conversation with them. You are naturally very protective and maternal and it shows in everything you do. You’re gentle and loving by nature and naturally exude innocence. You are extraordinarily loyal to those in your life.

Negative Traits
You are a naturally anxious person because you care too much about people who don’t return the same care and loving nature. People will use and abuse you to get what they want only if you allow them to—just like the miners sent the canaries down the mines to check for toxic gases. Your need to keep everyone from heartbreak can prevent you from saying how you truly feel and you can sometimes ruin relationships with people, if you are not careful. Your loyal, ‘all or nothing’ nature can sometimes make you appear emotionally demanding which means you may experience loneliness because no-one can possibly give you what you truly need (if they exist, you haven’t met them).

Ideal Careers

Your volatile nature means that you crave the excitement of change but your nervous nature also means that, if you are to pursue something which isn’t stable, it better be worthwhile. Acting is your ideal career because of the emotional intimacy, with the people you’re working with. It allows you to exist, openly, with those walls you wrap yourself in and is a great medium to listen to people. It’s instability gives you the excitement you need because it’s your passion in life. It give you a platform for that voice you’ve been harbouring.

how To Attract A Canarian

Just be real and have integrity; a Canarian can smell dishonesty and emptiness from a mile away. Listen and truly understand what they say. Just because they’re heavily guarded, it doesn’t mean you cannot crawl into their hearts and feel intimate with them; it’s what they crave because their emotionally demanding nature scares people away a lot and the way they keep to themselves can prevent them from interacting and building relationships. So understand that you may have to make first moves a lot because they read your energy and body language, more than your words. They may not let you know how they feel a lot of the time so don’t underestimate the way they feel about you; sometimes they just have a bizarre way of showing it.

How To Repel A Canarian

Arrogant, presumptuous and controlling people may as well have a neon sign over their heads, reading “don’t come near me; I’m toxic!” The last thing they want is for you to misread their signs because, although they may not be straightforward and can be very complex, they are more than likely telling you what you wish to hear, in their body language and the energy they radiate when you’re with them. They are incredibly friendly, by nature, and find it easy to understand anyone who lets them in but beware; they’re emotionally complex and what they show you of themselves—although it seems like an entire human being to you—is only the tip of the iceberg for them so don’t assume that you are at romantic relationship level, with a Canarian, simply because you like how open and understanding they are. They’re like that with everybody.

Seasons of change

As I sat in the battered, brown chair—underneath the dull grey light which poured through the charity shop window—the ramblings of the shop floor’s very few occupants tumbled past my eardrums and numbly occupied my mind. “It’s not winter yet, is it. It’s still autumn.” The observant,curious intonation of Dean’s voice danced through the air. It made me release a subconscious chuckle. I thought that much was obvious—crumpled, golden leaves gathered in the corners of damp pavements.

When I look up at the multitude of colours in the sky,as they scatter themselves across the clouds, my mind wanders to that place of perpetual summer, where one spends endless nights running through fields as the sun sets or listening to the white crests of ocean waves kiss the sand as my lungs fill themselves with fresh, salty, sea air. To be present in a moment of transendental awe. ‘Tis wonderful to experience that visceral sense of glittering hope which one feels while gazing upon New York City, from the phallic structures which dominate the sky; to remain suspended in a seemingly perpetual oblivion—between the wordliness of ants and oceans of paper-induced adrenaline rush and the ambiance of a celestial realm which caress’ one’s spirit in hope of incarnating an intrinsic comfort to a being which symbolises the universe in ecstatic motion. ‘Tis the flow of energy. That’s what summer means to me; to relish in one’s own consciousness while simultaneously transcending beyond the realm of the proverbial box of human civilization; ‘Tis the transient being transcended.

So as the season shifts and time recedes before our eyes the realm of my mind also shifts to the dewy, autumn mornings when the water-speckled blades of grass bath in the cold, opaque sunlight; the lustrous radiance of the golden christmas lights dance with the buzz of warmth and elation which fills the air of the market; the heavily celebrated bass, electro dance and pop music of long summer nights, on the beach, is turned down and replaced with the soft lull of lounge piano, by the fire. The sticky mouths of children guzzle liquid chocolate and sweet pink fluff underneath the sprinkling of colours of the fairground Ferris wheel. Steaming, polystyrene cups of mint and green mushy peas fill frozen hands and soft knitted wool cuddles running red noses as stars explode, in the sky, above the bonfire. As ice cube moulds and transparent jugs are shoved into a cardboard box, shop shelves are filled with a multitude of selection boxes and tubs filled with foil covered glory. ‘Tis a blessing in disguise when denim ‘Levi’ shorts and string-tied bathing suits remain in the back of the wardrobe and knitted Christmas snowmen, on jumpers, take their place.

What a wonder it is to ponder upon the confusion of shifting seasons; how one era dissipates and melts into the next; how time recedes before our very eyes. Our minds remember fragments; our existence is fragmented. All that exists is subjective and exists in our minds. When we remember our childhood, we imagine snapshots and photographs; we imagine fragments of what has been. So when we imagine our concept of winter and autumn—our mental schemata—we see images and remember sensations which we associate with these phenomena—otherwise known as classical conditioning. Take moments with yourself to imagine that which tickles your senses; that’s what matters in life—it recedes anyway.

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A Guide to Life (Not really)

As you will all be gut-wrenchingly aware of: life didn’t come with instructions so this post isn’t going to be the answer to all of your prayers but its a good way to start putting yourself into an open mindset. Much of your life issues and miseries stem from the absence of one skill: to exist with a future which is only, proverbially, two feet in front of you and a past which only consists of lessons and joy. You will only ever achieve happiness if you stop picturing it as a distant cloud which is to be chased. Happiness only comes from accepting the fact that each moment recedes before your eyes; it comes in inches so you have to know that you are relishing each moment as it happens and know that external things can only cause you suffering and misery if you let the. You choose the occupation of your own mind. If you don’t want pain anymore just don’t let it in by always focusing your mind upon the wonderful things and the absence of pain, no matter how tiny.

After discovering that I have scoliosis, just over a year ago, every element in my life has felt ambiguous and I have woken up, some days, feeling my blood pounding in my ears and my stomach curling into itself. It’s frightening how close to the edge of who I am as a person I can travel when placed under the scorching, belly-twisting heat of anxiety. After mulling over the content of my months of adrenaline-fueled anxiety, I’ve finally realised that although I have no control over what happens, none of it is really my problem and the only thing I can control is the pain I allow into my life. For me, the purpose of my life is the fill my mind with joy and prosperity; it seems to me that it isn’t a case of learning new things. Life is unlearning poisonous things and becoming more receptive to who you really are and what truly matters.