It felt like nothing I’d ever felt before. It was like the lights were on but nobody occupied the space between my eyes. I’t the only thing that ever felt real. A moment of white hot light; it wasn’t even coherent; the most beautiful, profound things never are. I can’t even say it was images. I was just a happening. It buldozed my consciousness; I’d caught the acting bug. I remember feeling as though I had an umbilical cord which was being tugged by small fairy-like creature; feathers tickled my heard. I felt human. My years of numbness had been broken by late nights, bright lights and the breath of 7 billion other human beings; those years of mindless torture and watery eyes had been shattered like glass, in the presence of an operatic, soprano’s song. I’m not sure what happened but it ignited a love within me which has kept me sane throughout years of belly-crucnching anxiety and clinical numbness. In those moments of darkness and fear, it became the only thing I could feel. It became my reason for being alive.
As I sat upon a deserted island—alone and afraid—desperately releasing flares in the night sky, I came to the conclusion that one cannot force a rescue ship to arrive so one must embrace the unknown silence of the dark night.
There will be blue skys. That’s what I told myself. In moments of blind panic I’d let myself know that you can only ever appreciate the moment that you’re living. In truthful and trying times, I’d stop, breath and feel gratitude. Hold on to that thing that puts fire in your eyes and makes your insides churn with excitement; follow the thing that makes tears of love stream down your face.
‘Tis the way of the universe to love and love; it’s the eb and flow of palpable, living energy. That’s life. So When you feel purposeless and riddled with negative energy, that sinks deep into your gut, smile and gaze up at the sky. Know that I am a human being and I have felt exactly as you do in the moment that you’re living; there’s always another person who’s feeling exactly as you do in the moment you’re experiencing it. You are not alone.